America has trumped (pun absolutely intended) Brexit in this year’s most silly political decision competition – but nobody’s laughing. Well, except for Trump supporters – they’re lapping it up.
I am, of course, writing about Donald Trump actually becoming President of the United States of America. I’m just going to let that sink in for a while.
Feeling suitably miserable? Good. While I wouldn’t wish that on anyone, it does mean that you’re a sane and reasonably smart human being.
And that’s exactly why you chose to read this feature, in which we detail seven mobile games you can play right now in preparation for the inevitable Trump-flavoured apocalypse.
Let’s kick things off with 2015’s biggest mobile game – Fallout Shelter. As you probably know, it’s based on the enormous console and PC Bethesda RPG series, Fallout, and has you building your very own shelter following a nuclear holocaust.
It’s tinged in humour, which is not only relevant given that America has elected an actual clown to end the world, but it will also help you stave off that despondency.
For when Trump: Accidentally reclines onto the big red ‘do not touch’ button while chatting up a maid in the White House. I will not repeat what he says to her.
This War of Mine
This War of Mine is a tragic simulation of war in which you have to help a group of civilians survive in a besieged city.
You’ll craft items, hunt for life-saving resources, and make tough and traumatic decisions – skills you’ll desperately need in the coming months.
For when Trump: Says something racist about a superpower without a sense of humour, leading to what will shortly be known as World War Three.
Don’t be fooled by the cartoon visuals – Valiant Hearts is not for kids, it’s not jovial, and it will not warm the cockles of your heart.
It is, in fact, an incredibly emotional and grim graphical novel that spins the yarn of four unsung heroes from World War 1.
Having said that, the array of puzzles, gut wrenching story, and terrific characterisation make this well worth playing.
For when Trump: Isn’t even funny anymore and you just want to play a game that feels the same way you do.
Telltale’s The Walking Dead
Who knows what’s going to happen next, so we should absolutely prepare for everything – including zombies. And what better way to prepare for a zombie apocalypse than by playing Telltale’s The Walking Dead.
We’re including all of the series in this, as they’re all worth playing – and by playing, I mean experiencing.
What I mean by that is, rather than a game, they’re more like an interactive TV show, with you taking control at key moments to make decisions, ward off zombies, and walk a bit.
For when Trump: Tries to cure cancer on his own – because who needs science?
The Silent Age
The Silent Age is an excellent mobile-exclusive point and click adventure in which you play as a janitor who has a different type of mess to clean up – only the end of the world as we know it.
He does this by travelling back and forth in time to change things at vital moments – a skill we’re going to need very promptly indeed.
For when Trump: Messes things up so badly that time travel becomes an absolute necessity in order to fix it – if it can be fixed.
The clue’s in the name here – Rebuild is all about rebuilding a city following the end of humanity. That perhaps makes it the most relevant game on this list.
Sure, there are zombies to fight in it too but, like I said earlier, we have no idea what’s going to happen next do we? So let’s just prepare for everything.
For when Trump: Isn’t allowed to be President anymore and humanity has to start from scratch.
Sometimes, there’s nothing left for it but to run – that’s a strategy the Final Fantasy games have prepared us well for.
But on mobile we have Into the Dead, which sees you, well, running into the dead for your life.
You can’t really run away from the dead, you see, because they’re all around you. Just like Trump.
For when Trump: Is near you and you are a woman.